Where Do I Stand?

I'm not sure where I stand with the rest of the people on this program.

I've been hearing all sorts of contradictory things. On the one hand, people apparently like me for my initiative and energy and for being on top of things. On the other hand, people are apparently keeping their distance from me because I'm loud and I stink. Or something. To the point that when someone says they're my roommate, the answer is "I'm sorry".

People think I'm not sincere when I say I want to change. That I'm all talk just for attention. Thing is, I am sincere. But I don't know HOW I should change. It's probably something really simple but I'm not getting it.

I know I'm needy and an attention-seeker. But when I stop myself I end up being anti-social. I don't know where the balance is. I try to do my best and I mean well, but I keep messing up anyway. I can't even speak up when someone else makes me uncomfortable because that makes me a hypocrite. I'm a freakin' walking faux pas.

What am I doing wrong? What am I not getting? Why am I so stupid and disliked?

I wish I had someone in the program I could talk to about this, but they're either too busy or just don't want time for me. Sigh.

Owls?

At 6:30 PM today, a very BRIGHT evening, there was an owl in our backyard.

A large horned owl that just sat on the bird pool and stared at everything around us.

Nothing disturbed him. Not the flash of light meant to deter birds, not the flashes from the camera, not people, not loud overhead planes. He just sat there, watching.

He knew we were watching him and he watched us back. He did move around to the post box and a palm tree, but he was not disturbed by anything. Even when we were taking photos of him, he didn't budge. It's like he was waiting to be watched, to be photographed.

He seemed to respond to Lilith, and the name "Mystery". He definitely was a mystery. My host family have been here 14 years and they've never seen an owl this close. I've never seen an owl this close. And on this time of day too! And so undisturbed!

I wonder what he was doing there. He certainly is a mystery.

Odd.